The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony EVER
The Bachelor has been a ridiculous schlockfest this entire season. Colton Underwood “The Virgin Bachelor” disgusted America with his manscaped face, tiny poky lizard tongue, and inability to kiss. (I cringe EVERY single time he kisses someone, and that is a LOT). I can’t tell you how many times my husband walked in the room while I was sitting in front of the tv, wincing and curled up in the fetal position. MAKE IT STOP! No wonder he’s a virgin. Poor guy probably thinks babies are made by sneezing into a woman’s open mouth while wearing a sheet with holes cut in it. We also have to deal with his obsessive showering. I’m actually worried the poor bachelor has worn the top several layers of his epidermis permanently off. Maybe he feels dirty for thinking impure thoughts about the bevvy of gorgeous morons he has parading around him. Lord I apologize for talking bad about Demi, because I love that trainwreck of a woman. I can only pray to Chris Harrison that she will be on Bachelor in Paradise.
Now here I am watching the finale, teeth stained red with wine, hair in a 3 day unwashed bun, screaming bloody murder at the tv. Wondering which stinks more- my sweats or Colton’s b&^%$#@!. I watch him breaking up with Hannah G. and all I can see is the bedazzled watch he wears on one spray tanned arm and the purple beaded bracelet he wears on the other. My brain sounds the alarm bells… HANNAH! RUN, GIRL!!! Any man who wears a lot of jewelry (and pink suede jackets while looking pensive on a balcony) is either a mobster or someone who is into Bob Fosse. Either way, you lose.
He talks about how much he loves Cassie. LOVES. He feels incomplete without her. You had 2 dates with the woman!!! Maybe he is just jealous of her ridiculously luminous skin. I’m in love with her for that, too. It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again, Cassie. That’s got to be why he loves her. She’s good looking, but her personality is like talking to a mop leaning against a wall. Bring a book. Those two deserve each other. I will bet you dollars to donuts the relationship won’t last. He cries a lot though, so maybe she can use his tears to moisturize her extremely dewy skin. Perhaps they are a match made in rose ceremony heaven. Godspeed you beautiful bozos. I wish you months of happiness.