The Things They Don't Tell You About Becoming A Parent Before You Become A Parent… part 2 of (?)

The Things They Don't Tell You About Becoming A Parent Before You Become A Parent… part 2 of (?)


{ THE THINGS YOUR KIDS WILL SAY, DO, OR MAKE YOU DO!!! }

{—- or at least the things my kids have “done” to me —- }


So, a heads up and a little bit of background here (mostly a little bit of background on me…)

I am a Mother F@$ing sarcastic, sassy, bitchy woman. I am a mama bear at heart and if you mess with me, my family, my property (that’s a story for a later time…) etc. I will make sure that you know you are out of place. I am small but feisty — I have a Napoleon Complex , like BAD — and the majority of the people in my life don’t like me (because of my personality) or love me but are afraid of me. *Ask my husband about the time he tried to join the Navy* I’m protective and if you are someone I love, I will fight until the death for you.

……….. SSSSSOOOOO ………. my kids obviously noticed and have possibly picked up some of those habits


FROM THEIR MOUTH STRAIGHT TO THIS BLOG :

  • NO!

  • You ruin everything!

  • Thank you Mommy for getting me ______ <—- usually something that isn’t for her (LOL)

  • It’s ok Mommy, we can just buy another one

  • Daddy, you need to go to work so we can have more money

  • Um, Mommy…. a little help here….

  • Alexa, play Baby Shark / Katy Perry / Bad Blood

  • Let’s have a “(deep breath…) GIIIIRLSSSSS DAYYYYY!!!”

  • Mommy, can we go just us girls —— “so we can have our secret? ….. SODA!”

  • Damn it!!!!

  • Argh, Matey. Shiver me timbers …. Take that ya land lovers!

    • LEGIT. OUT OF NOWHERE….

  • But Mom, he is REALLY OLD!

  • Grammy said that it’s ok (?) {what?!}

  • KINDLE

  • More “Moooo!”

  • There’s just a little bit of poop on my leg —— do you want to see it?

  • I need some privacy

  • Pardon Me Madam, but Get OFF! (I introduced her to my long lost boyfriend JTT + she only appreciated his Simba persona … it was a sad day)

  • Mommy, did you buy some buckets of bananas for Baby Monkey (stuffed animal) to eat?

    • Mommy, Baby Monkey will protect Foxy (the car) if we leave her in there

    • Mommy, can we leave your knife for Baby Monkey to protect everyone?

    • Mommy, Baby Monkey needs a cast

  • NO!!!!!

  • Mommy, when you die, who is going to take care of me?

    • We went to a funeral at the end of last year after we tried to save a dog that got hit by a car (we didn’t see the accident) SO, she went through a death phase…

  • Where do babies come from?

    • Again, I don’t know ……….

  • But … you always let me / always give me / always share with me …

  • I love you

    • my favorite, and the biggest heart melter outside of kisses


THE WAY THEY MOVE :

  • Lays on floor in bathroom —- touches toilet seat

  • Swims in bathroom sink —- lathers with soap to armpits … (just in case…??)

  • Has no spatial awareness

  • Talks to all strangers —- ALL OF THEM

  • Stands in shopping cart, in the parking lot….. (death wish kid?)

  • “snuggles” the cat - comes out of room looking like there was a fight : Child v Edward Scissor Hands … didn’t go well for child…

  • Point at strangers while asking “why is that girl in a wheelchair (etc)?”

  • Thinks that my body is a free for all and any body part is up for grabs <—- LITERALLY

  • THEY DO NOT SLEEP + THEY FREAK OUT ALL THE TIME ABOUT : I HAVE NO F-ING CLUE!!!

  • Foot Stomp —- Hands on hips —— Face of DEATH!

  • Throws anything when finished —- yes, that includes dinner —- WHEN THERE IS STILL FOOD ON THE PLATE!!!

  • Aggressive stiff arm + uncanny strength and ability to scale buildings (or escape cribs, whatevs…)

  • Gives hugs, really good tight hugs, with BEAR HUG “GRRRRR”

  • Looks you in the eyes, grabs your face, and kisses you —— it’s very romantic (mostly slobbery and leaves your face feeling like Beethoven (the dog, not the composer) gave you the kiss) BUT IT IS THE SWEETEST THING IN THE WORLD!


THE THINGS THEY MAKE ME DO :

  • Yell (I hate yelling at them, just do what I say and it will all be ok)

  • Lick my fingers to get something off their face —- THE WORST

  • Get the majority of my food intake from their leftovers and crumbs, or by being force fed

  • Change diapers. FOR YEARS!!!!!

  • Go to the zoo / museum and watch them have the time of their lives looking and learning about new things

  • Stand in line to visit Santa

  • LISTEN TO BABY SHARK!!!

  • Sew —- I don’t know how to do that!

    • Kidding, I actually do, not well necessarily, but I can do it

  • Talk about poop more than I ever thought possible

  • Call my mom more than I should about anything I see, hear, think, or worry about —- apparently the whole world thinks that moms have all the answers…

  • Bring snacks EVERYWHERE

    • I’ve always been a fan of big big purses, but they were usually 1/2 empty —— they are now full!

  • I HAVE A MOM CAR! kinda —— but I did see a van that I liked the other day —- I thought about dying then and there, but I was driving the kids to school —- I love them too much to take them down with me… (TOTALLY KIDDING —- I WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT THINKING THAT)

  • Change my whole world around, take me from the life I was leading to this new life that is difficult, sometimes isolating, crazy, fun, life that I wouldn’t change for the world!


—- JUST FOR FUN I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE A SNIPPET OF AN UPCOMING POST —-

***** per usual it is a little controversial ***** it is a hot topic, and honestly, the only way that I can deal with uncomfortable or difficult situations is to make light of it with a joke. I am aware of the political, social, and very controversial elements on the subject —— It’s just a joke people …. BUT IT’S FUNNY AF!


I was so worried that I would one day have to explain the Access Hollywood video (POTUS 45) to my kids - - - W E L L - - - the other day I was doing the dishes and my son “needed me” I was busy and instead of throwing a temper tantrum, he just grabbed me by the p@$#& and led me to his room to help with the crisis. Saves me a tough talk…. 


I hope you enjoyed the sarcasm and the cold hard parenting truth. These are just the things that have happened recently, maybe I’ll give a sneak preview of the past another day :)

Happy Saturday!

Melissa


Part Two:  Caregivers Need Caregivers

Part Two: Caregivers Need Caregivers

FIVE Reasons to Come Home After Living Abroad

FIVE Reasons to Come Home After Living Abroad