I am in fact NOT ‘unfuckwithable’. This became very apparent to me a few weeks ago. You see, I am someone who feels and internalizes everyone’s successes, failures, positives and negatives. Something that may seem like nothing is actually everything in my brain. I have done a lot of reading on this and apparently I am labeled an empath. I don’t know how I feel about this, but I definitely know I feel too much. I have a complicated, but not terrible, past. I had a good childhood, don’t get me wrong. However, there are a few minor details that have become major hurdles as I have grown older and had children, but I won’t get into those. All you need to know is that I am definitely NOT ‘unfuckwithable’, but I’m working on becoming that.
About a month ago I had a breakdown of epic proportions. It had been a lousy week and what was supposed to be an awesome, relaxing weekend turned against me as well. I should have known that it would happen that way, but I tried to stay optimistic. After that fateful Friday, I returned home. Crushed and devastated. I was inconsolable. Why did that one day matter so much? Why did it feel like my world was crumbling in around me, from one day?
To preface the rest of what I am about to write, I have placed a lot of myself into others over the years. Always been the one to be there for them and not myself. Always willing to help them even when I was broken. I said, “fine,” when I was never really even okay. I haven’t been “fine” for a very long time. I believe now that I did this because I didn’t actually want to deal with my emotions or feelings. Instead, I put it into everyone else. In today’s day and age, with social media being the center of most everyone’s world, I figured that would be a good place to start. I got rid of it. You read that right. I am no longer plugged in. Since then a few different truths have arose. Some people may already know these, but I am slowly learning.
Being an ‘empath’ (if that’s what you want to call it) I tend to not want anyone to hurt. This means that no matter how negative the person was, I would continue to be in their lives because I wanted them to be happy and I felt that I could bring that to them, by taking away their negativity and absorbing it. I also really don’t like anyone having ill feelings towards me. It feels wrong to have that kind of negativite energy out there. Sounds crazy writing it down, but this is my belief.
I would hangout with certain people and after I would feel exhausted. I chalked it up to doing a lot with my day. This, as I am learning now, is not the case. There are certain people that literally drain your energy. Notice this and make a commanding decision for your health and emotional preservation. Just because you stop hanging out with that person doesn’t mean that you don’t love them or want good things for them, it just means that they are not good for you and you are finally putting yourself first. Some people are really good at self-care, I am not. I feel guilty for even thinking of putting myself first. I really need to get this under control if I want to be ‘unfuckwithable’. Just so you know, there really are people out there that can make you feel alive and energized. When you find these people, hold on tight. This will be much easier after you let go of the others.
This is a huuuuuge one. I am a very type-A person that has to have everything done all at the same time. A place for everything and everything in it’s place. It wasn’t until my grandmother passed that I started to believe different. Having a loved one die wasn’t new to me, but it was however, the first time I had actually watched and been with someone as they passed on. This was an extremely spiritual experience for me. I still think about the last few days with her, every day. I thought once she passed, that time would somehow stop, if even just for a minute, and it didn’t. It went on. Time just kept going. I started to think about the times that I would ask her what she was doing and her answer was usually, “cleaning my house.” I started to think about my days. Wake up, clean the house, make meals in between, play with the kids, clean the house some more, work, over exhaust myself, go to bed, wake up and repeat. I still have a clean house, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have to deep clean every day (which is what I was doing). Insane, I know.
I now rest when I feel my body needs it. It’s amazing the difference I have felt. When I had social media on my phone I would never really rest. Now, I am able to actually find solace and be alone with my thoughts. It’s been a little scary, but also extremely rewarding. Moral of the story, it will be there tomorrow. There will always be a tomorrow, if you are lucky.
Ultimately, this is what I want.
I don’t know what the future holds or how long I will stay away from social media, but I definitely know that every day I am growing closer and closer to becoming ‘unfuckwithable’. I hope you are too!