Party of Five
Twins?! Oh man what are we going to do? Well, I know, I can blog about it!
I had an idea for this post, a completely different idea than what it has become. A few months ago I found out that I was pregnant, little did I know I was actually pregnant with twins. When we found this out my husband and I about fell out of our seats and the very next thought was are they both healthy and happy.
The way it happened was actually a pretty crazy story…the moment my oldest son found out I was pregnant he was adamant that I was in fact pregnant with two babies. He continued to state this fact all the way up until my first official baby appointment. You see, after having two babies I guess I was more aware of my body than before and found out very early that I was pregnant with this one, well two. When the day finally came for my appointment I was excited and anxious. We walked into the doctor’s office and sat down, waiting very impatiently for our turn to go back. We were finally called and placed in an exam room. My husband and two boys were there with me. The doctor walked in and asked how I had been doing. I told him that I had been having extremely severe morning sickness. He said, “oh. Well that means you are having twins.” I told him not to joke about it because my son had been stating that as a fact for the past several weeks. He said, “it’s funny until it’s not.” We all then settled down and he took the ultrasound machine out. Before he started my oldest looked at my husband and very quietly held up two fingers. The doctor began to look around and there was our sweet baby, heartbeat fluttering. My husband sighed in relief that it was just one. Two to four is a pretty big jump. The doc then stopped for a minute and looked at both of us. He said, “remember when I said it’s funny until it’s not?” He twisted his arm slightly and there was the other baby, heartbeat fluttering away. There were two. I had two babies. How could this be? What were we going to do? Were they both okay? How was this going to work? So many questions. So many things to be scared of. So many, “what now’s.”
At that point both babies had strong heart beats. At that point they were both healthy and happy. For a week we went through every emotion imaginable. At first we were terrified. We already have two babies at home and now we are going to have four?! And two at one time?! This was definitely enough to cause hyperventilation. Fortunately, my husband and I are both planners so that’s what we did. We began to plan and by the end of the week we had settled in to the idea of our original Party of Five becoming a Party of Six. We were actually unimaginably ecstatic about it. More babies to love!! That wind was quickly knocked from our sails.
A week later I went in for the very first appointment to measure everything and do the full ultrasound. We walked in thinking everything was fine and about five minutes in, I knew something was wrong.
I was so very excited to see both of my little babes. My husband and I had found our peace and knew together we could find our footing with our soon to be super hectic life. I laid down and peacefully waited to see my two little nuggets move around. The ultrasound tech walked in and began to quietly take measurements of the first baby. I kept looking at the screen thinking maybe it was frozen or the baby was sleeping. Maybe she was trying to get the right angle on the machine and that’s why I didn’t see a heartbeat flutter. There was no movement. She diligently worked saying very minimal facts about twins and then she moved on to the second baby. I abruptly stopped her and asked if Baby A in fact had a heartbeat. She told me, “at this point, I don’t see one.” My heart dropped. Tears began to well in my eyes. How could this be? They were both fine a week ago. What did I do wrong? Was it because I lifted my kids? Was it because I didn’t eat enough? Did I sleep wrong? I began racking my brain for anything and everything that could have caused this. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I wasn’t able to keep them both safe.
She continued taking measurements on Baby B who was moving around like a gerbil on a wheel. At this point, I knew for sure that we had lost the other one. My husband began to tear up. I was in a mental state of shock. We finished the ultrasound and I honestly didn’t even know what to feel. I was devastated. I was also strangely relieved. I was screaming on the inside for every mixed emotion that was filling my body. Was this something that wasn’t supposed to happen? Was this something God had planned? Why would he show me a baby and take it away? (I had to switch my thinking on this but that is for a different blog.) The doctor walked in and didn’t know what to say. This is the guy who delivered my youngest and was there with my first (he came super early. That’s a crazy story too). This is the guy who had information to talk me down off my, “but Google said,” ways. He was lost for words. Both babies measured the same. This had just happened. There probably wasn’t ever going to be a solid reason why.
I will forever miss Baby A. That baby was a part of me for a brief moment in time but will be in my heart for the rest of my life. We are now going to be a Party of Five as of January and I can’t wait to find out if this sweet Baby B is going to be another crazy boy to join my other two or a little beauty of a girl. Either way we are excited for this new adventure.
Until next time.